If I wanted to talk to an asshole, I'd fart.

I hate farts. I don't think there's anything I find more disgusting then a fart. Anyone that thinks it's appropriate to fart in public... has probably applied with my company before.

Ever hear the joke: laugh and the world laughs with you, fart and the world stops laughing. Maybe not everyone agrees but I can guarantee you every interviewer agrees. I do have a heart (barely, but it's there), if you let one of those vicious silent but deadly ones sneak out... I'm assuming you didn't do it on purpose. I'll give you a bye and save you the embarrassment of either making a disgusted face or falling on the floor laughing.

However the next time you feel the dreaded bubblies, feel something brewing below, feel something you know is going to sound like an orchestra in your pants... it's much more polite to just excuse yourself then to lift a cheek, make a face, then look at me and simply say, "oops."

but she knew me since diapers...

Thank you for bringing your list of references - but sir (I say sir because he's in his mid 30s), a reference from your old babysitter is not very promising.

This poses an immediate risk to your job

Who would you like us to contact in case of an emergency? One brilliant temp clearly listens in school. His answer... 911.

Thank god he told me, I thought it was 991!

Like Me Not

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION ALERT!

In the words of the great Bill Cosby, "advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on," so here I am looking for a good time.

You can now "like" Hire Me Not on Facebook (yup that's even a link!) If you read and enjoy the blog, show me some love huh? I clearly don't get much at work so I'm reaching out to you!

We can't autocorrect you

Okay I've already mentioned the people that answer their phones in the interviews (just writing that sentence makes me want to punch myself in the face), but lets talk about texting now.

I can see you hiding your phone under the table, you're not sneaky. Is your text so important that it can't wait until after our interview? Actually hold on lets back up... why did you even bring your phone inside? That shit stays in your car. No car? In your pocket. There's nothing I hate more then telling someone to put their phone away.

This is probably one of the most disturbing stories I have encountered myself, I debated even writing this story for the sole reason that I don't want to relive it.... but here is goes.

Are we all up-to-date on what "sexting" is? Okay, good. Now one gentleman was one of the obnoxious fools texting during the interview. I could see him constantly looking down and smirking at every text, and then I could hear the little keypad of him texting back. What I did not realize at the time however is this gentleman was not texting, he was sexting. How do I know, you ask? Good question... as we end the interview and stand to shake hands, I could not help myself from looking down because something had appeared that was not there when the interview began. He had the most outrageous boner, stiffy, woody, whatever you want to call it, staring me in the face. What's worse? The man looks down, sees what he's created, makes a face like he is proud of himself... and then winks at me. Well, maybe that's something to put on your resume: ability to rise to any occasion.

Not a puppet.

Someone left a single sock in our lobby today. That is all.