Not ready for this jelly

Yes, there are two balls between your legs. I can only imagine the... criss cross action going on in there. Some appropriate times to "adjust,": on your couch, in your car (alone preferably), maybe the bathroom? But PLEASE, do not stand in front of me, adjust your junk, then reach for a handshake. Thanks!

Like uncle like nephew

POP QUIZ TIME- This is a two parter you lucky bastards you!

Two men, an uncle and a nephew live together. The nephew comes in and fills out an application with his uncle, however since the nephew has no cell phone the uncle instructs his nephew to leave his cell number.

PART ONE:
You get a phone call from your nephews employer but your nephew is not home.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Jot down a note for him to return our call.
B: Try and memorize the message and number to have him call back.
C: Tell me to "fuck off dude" (yes, dude included),that you HAVE a job and your nephews problems are not yours...click.

Okay I guess I gave that one to you guys - freebie! Anytime the word "fuck" appears in one of the answers - safe bet that that's the incorrect answer, if you disagree then I wish you all the best in your future test taking. While I don't agree with B either, meh... kudos to you for such a great memory (I hope)! But listen up dude who so politely graced me with C- the uncle of the year award goes to... anyone else! Maybe try again next year once  you pull that nine iron out of your sand wedge!

PART TWO:
You realize your employer called and your uncle did not take the message.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Call back, and ask what I called for.
B: Call back, apologize for your uncles behavior, explain that the rudeness gene does not run in the family and ask what I called for.
C: Tell me it's my own damn fault for trying to leave a message with his uncle in the first place and politely (insert sarcasm here) ask, "well, what the fuck did you need?"

I am not a telemarketer, I did not buy your uncles telephone number, I did not find it on a list, you gave it to me dumbass! Remember when you filled out that application? Not sure what golf club you're using but it clearly came from your uncles set and I would suggest pulling yours out too.

If it quacks like a pig

If you do not show up to work and do not call to let me know, please do not be surprised when I fire your ass. Okay for all of you getting huffy - of course it is circumstantial and if you can't find your teddybear or chip a nail or fall into a hole, we'll give you a bye. But to not expect to be let go and then have the audacity to yell at me... well, it's kind of an unfair battle because well ma'am - I'm at work.

So here's to you miss devil woman gypsy who calls ME a name when you are the one that can't show up to work... thank you. Thank you for reminding me that even when I'm telling people that American children obviously can't locate the US on a map not because they're undereducated but because they simply don't have access to maps- that myself and '07 Miss Carolina will always be smarter than you.

I won't judge you if you don't get the reference. Honestly who watches Miss Teen USA... except me:

Caught you dirt handed

I know, me too. The dirtiness of my hands is directly related to how much my face itches. So I'm going to assume you coming in here with your face covered in dirt means you fell in a dirt pile before walking in here which clearly made your face itch.

We call you blue mouth

Fact: I'm a bit crazy. There are many people that I'm sure would be more than happy to attest to that... but maybe sometimes it's for the best. I by no means expect everyone to follow my neurosis, but seriously there are some things I know I'm crazy about for a good reason!

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is anything that changes the color of my mouth. Lollypops, Powerade, freeze-pops - my craziness has led me to lead a life missing some of the best flavors out there.

Now if you want to eat that blue raspberry lollypop, please, GO FOR IT! In fact, I'm jealous! However I would next time suggest waiting until AFTER your interview.

Toight like a toiger

I have to talk to you about spandex for just one moment. Now I'm a culprit, I love me a good pair of spandex - under a dress, with a long t-shirt, with a great pair of heals, I do it ALL! That being said, there are types of spandex wearers that I just will.not.allow in my office. Let me please educate:

A. If your spandex look like a straight jacket for your legs - you're doing it wrong.
B. If your spandex represent any form of animal, no matter how much you love cheetahs - you're doing it wrong.
C. If your spandex turn what would have just been a simple "muffin top" into me thinking your back is pregnant - you're doing it wrong.
D. If you have a penis - I'm all for equal rights, but sir... you do know that most spandex are see-through right?

Nappy Time

If you fall asleep while filling out the application then I have the PERFECT job for you! If you stand up, walk out our door, close the door behind you - congratulations you found it!

Crappy hour

To me growing up and graduating college meant settling down (a bit) and usually being way too tired for happy hour. To you it meant go for happy hour and then showing up to your interview. Ironic that I'm the one interviewing you? I think not.

I assume you're a douche

You know what happens when you assume? You make me end up using stupid cliches like this one!

So when you assume that I don't know what it means when you ask me if my pearl necklace is real and then giggle under your breathe... I'M going to assume you still live at home with mommy, your teddy and your blankie and your favorite pastime is Dora the Explorer and sucking on your thumb... OH, and you're not going to get the job!

FINISH HIM

ADVISE ALERT: When you sit down for an interview and hand over a resume, the very first thing interviewers are trained to notice is gaps in work history. So my advise to you, keep busy, or at least have a decent excuse for the time off - aka: school, under the table work, children etc, etc...

A younger gentleman comes into our office with a fairly large gap in his work history. When I ask him what he had been doing during that time his response was, "becoming a video game expert."

I hope it was Pokemon Snap...

Offense taken.

Coming in and saying, "I don't really want to work for your company but I'm getting desperate" is a sure way to land the job.

When is TMI really TM?

People share the most ridiculous information with us, I'm not sure when HR became the new therapy session but I think I know more than therapists and hair dressers combined.

Now I'm not crazy about wild nail colors, but always like when people can pull it off. So I decided to try out this bright teal color...

Woman in an interview grabs my hand, "oh that used to be my favorite color, it's the color of my ex-husbands eyes... until he beat me."

Ultimate TMI.

Smell ya later

After many crazy stories, creepy people, and jokes at other peoples expense... I am taking a much needed vacation. I'll be back next Monday with more Hire Me Not Tales!