He is not an idiot-savant at all. He is the real thing, he is an idiot-idiot.

Sir, every time you say "dude" or "bra" in this interview I'm subtracting it from your already low IQ.

Please review my resume for consideration?

It's pretty amazing how the wrong punctuation and spelling can change an extremely well thought out cover letter into an email that we pass around the office to laugh at and then it ends up hanging out with the other idiots in the trash can.

Now if you are a grammar nazi, or just have a brain, you'll have noticed that my grammar in this blog is FAR from perfect. The difference is, I'm not looking to get a job out of it. If you don't like my grammar... blow me (is that grammatically correct enough for you?). However, what I have to say to the resume submitters - a mistake or two in your cover letter MATTERS big time! So just like they told you in elementary school: proofread, proofread and then proofread again!!!!!

Here are some resume submission examples that I got a kick out of and saved over the past couple weeks:

• I am looking for a "job." - Are you looking for a job, or does "job" stand for something?
• I am looking for any opportunity on 3rd shit. - Isn't that a little biased against shit one and shit two?
• I am looking for a job within XYZ County (privacy, duh), I need to stay local because I use pubic transportation - Do you rely on the mustache ride?
• I am a very fat typer - I don't discriminate, but are you a fast typer too?
• You will not be disappointed in me, I am butter then the other candidates. - I prefer margarine.. sorry. 
• I excel in courting, numbers, and anything math related - Courting? Are you trying to woo me?
• Thank you for your consideration? - Are you not sure about thanking me yet?

So again remember, proofread?

Don't forget to wash behind your ears

The clothing I have had in my closet the longest are those timeless pieces - my LBD, nice house sweater, slippers (that could probably be replaced now), items that either are never going to go out of style OR no one will see them in public to KNOW they're going out of style.

Now this goes mostly for gentlemen (if you want to call them that) I've met, but ladies too, that t-shirt with holes and armpit stains - not the best choice for your interview.

Man calls our office to see what hours we're open for walk ins, when I tell him it's over in 45 minutes he says "okay I'll clean up and be right over."

15 minutes later a man walks in. Now I would feel rude calling this guy filthy afraid of actually offending the filthy people.... this guy was absolutely, completely, utterly repulsive. His t-shirt was the leader of the pack of armpit stains- the salvation army would throw this guys shirt away, a homeless man would be embarrassed to wear this shirt, someone looking for a cleaning rag would think twice before using this shirt...

Me: "Wow, that was fast!"
Man: "I've mastered the 10 minute shower." - Doesn't smell like it buddy. 

You don't have to prove that you can touch your toes... I believe you.

Our lobby is not a good place to do your daily stretches. Quit bending over and sit your ass down in your chair.

We use Windex

If you walk into our glass door even though it's covered in signs thinking it was open - I'm going to point and laugh at you with zero sympathy.

Today's letter is: Joint.

Some ham-sammied conversations are the best, I encourage drunk-dials/high-dials (is that even a thing?) always - especially if you sound like something straight out of Sesamea Street (see below), but NOT AT WORK IDIOTS:

Why do I bring this up you ask? Well, it's because you would not BELIEVE the amount of phone calls we get that just do-not-make-sense, the person calling is clearly drunk or on something and it just leads to the weirdest conversations. People rambling on about god knows what and mumbling so bad that they sound like they came straight from the set of Blow.

Man: "Wazzzupppppp" Sir, I'm pretty sure that joke is... well just not funny anymore.
Me: "Are you calling for work?"
Man: "Yes I am, and I am the bomb diggity so you should hire me." If you were born 30 years before the 90s, "bomb-diggity" should not be in your vocabulary.
Me: "First you will need to apply."
Man: "Apply...apply... apply, to apply. What is in a name? Apply..." Umm, okay?
The man mumbles something, starts having a full on sneezing attack, screams "I HAVE A SHARP SWORD" and hangs up the phone.

All I ask, please, if you are on your way to the moon- DO pass go and go straight to bed: don't call me.

Edward Turkey Hands

What were you thankful for last Thanksgiving? I was thankful for good family, good friends, and of course... good beer. Apparently an employee and I were on the same page:


Three call outs: $150, Forgetting lunch and ordering chinese food: $15, 3 Monster drinks to keep me awake: $7 , Employee walking in with a turkey hat and wings screaming GOBBLE GOBBLE at the top of his lungs with a Miller Highlife 40 taped to his hand... priceless.