Yes, there are two balls between your legs. I can only imagine the... criss cross action going on in there. Some appropriate times to "adjust,": on your couch, in your car (alone preferably), maybe the bathroom? But PLEASE, do not stand in front of me, adjust your junk, then reach for a handshake. Thanks!
POP QUIZ TIME- This is a two parter you lucky bastards you!
Two men, an uncle and a nephew live together. The nephew comes in and fills out an application with his uncle, however since the nephew has no cell phone the uncle instructs his nephew to leave his cell number.
PART ONE:
You get a phone call from your nephews employer but your nephew is not home.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Jot down a note for him to return our call.
B: Try and memorize the message and number to have him call back.
C: Tell me to "fuck off dude" (yes, dude included),that you HAVE a job and your nephews problems are not yours...click.
Okay I guess I gave that one to you guys - freebie! Anytime the word "fuck" appears in one of the answers - safe bet that that's the incorrect answer, if you disagree then I wish you all the best in your future test taking. While I don't agree with B either, meh... kudos to you for such a great memory (I hope)! But listen up dude who so politely graced me with C- the uncle of the year award goes to... anyone else! Maybe try again next year once you pull that nine iron out of your sand wedge!
PART TWO:
You realize your employer called and your uncle did not take the message.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Call back, and ask what I called for.
B: Call back, apologize for your uncles behavior, explain that the rudeness gene does not run in the family and ask what I called for.
C: Tell me it's my own damn fault for trying to leave a message with his uncle in the first place and politely (insert sarcasm here) ask, "well, what the fuck did you need?"
I am not a telemarketer, I did not buy your uncles telephone number, I did not find it on a list, you gave it to me dumbass! Remember when you filled out that application? Not sure what golf club you're using but it clearly came from your uncles set and I would suggest pulling yours out too.
If you do not show up to work and do not call to let me know, please do not be surprised when I fire your ass. Okay for all of you getting huffy - of course it is circumstantial and if you can't find your teddybear or chip a nail or fall into a hole, we'll give you a bye. But to not expect to be let go and then have the audacity to yell at me... well, it's kind of an unfair battle because well ma'am - I'm at work.
So here's to you miss devil woman gypsy who calls ME a name when you are the one that can't show up to work... thank you. Thank you for reminding me that even when I'm telling people that American children obviously can't locate the US on a map not because they're undereducated but because they simply don't have access to maps- that myself and '07 Miss Carolina will always be smarter than you.
I won't judge you if you don't get the reference. Honestly who watches Miss Teen USA... except me:
I know, me too. The dirtiness of my hands is directly related to how much my face itches. So I'm going to assume you coming in here with your face covered in dirt means you fell in a dirt pile before walking in here which clearly made your face itch.
Fact: I'm a bit crazy. There are many people that I'm sure would be more than happy to attest to that... but maybe sometimes it's for the best. I by no means expect everyone to follow my neurosis, but seriously there are some things I know I'm crazy about for a good reason!
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is anything that changes the color of my mouth. Lollypops, Powerade, freeze-pops - my craziness has led me to lead a life missing some of the best flavors out there.
Now if you want to eat that blue raspberry lollypop, please, GO FOR IT! In fact, I'm jealous! However I would next time suggest waiting until AFTER your interview.
I have to talk to you about spandex for just one moment. Now I'm a culprit, I love me a good pair of spandex - under a dress, with a long t-shirt, with a great pair of heals, I do it ALL! That being said, there are types of spandex wearers that I just will.not.allow in my office. Let me please educate:
A. If your spandex look like a straight jacket for your legs - you're doing it wrong.
B. If your spandex represent any form of animal, no matter how much you love cheetahs - you're doing it wrong.
C. If your spandex turn what would have just been a simple "muffin top" into me thinking your back is pregnant - you're doing it wrong.
D. If you have a penis - I'm all for equal rights, but sir... you do know that most spandex are see-through right?
If you fall asleep while filling out the application then I have the PERFECT job for you! If you stand up, walk out our door, close the door behind you - congratulations you found it!
