T.M.P- Too Much Pee

Well, after a long hiatus of inspiration free employees...we landed a keeper! I mean this is the type of big fish that lands you a spot on the Discovery Channel. Pshh, and here I was thinking maybe the right people had been reading this and learned something!

Now not much happened, but what did go down was PLENTY. I look at it like shitting your pants, you don't have to let the whole turd out of the bag for it to make an impression! So, just the other day a nice (and a tad strange) older gentleman graced us with his presence. Now it wasn't his lack of teeth or admitted use of lithium (and not the doctor prescribed way) that made me want to start writing in this blog again... what was it you ask? Well, this fine gentleman informs me, his potential employer, a stranger, that he has a catheter that he must insert himself and begins to lift his shirt to show me said drainage-bag! Normally I'd try and come up with some funny quip at the end... but I think "drainage-bag" says it all.

If I wanted to talk to an asshole, I'd fart.

I hate farts. I don't think there's anything I find more disgusting then a fart. Anyone that thinks it's appropriate to fart in public... has probably applied with my company before.

Ever hear the joke: laugh and the world laughs with you, fart and the world stops laughing. Maybe not everyone agrees but I can guarantee you every interviewer agrees. I do have a heart (barely, but it's there), if you let one of those vicious silent but deadly ones sneak out... I'm assuming you didn't do it on purpose. I'll give you a bye and save you the embarrassment of either making a disgusted face or falling on the floor laughing.

However the next time you feel the dreaded bubblies, feel something brewing below, feel something you know is going to sound like an orchestra in your pants... it's much more polite to just excuse yourself then to lift a cheek, make a face, then look at me and simply say, "oops."

but she knew me since diapers...

Thank you for bringing your list of references - but sir (I say sir because he's in his mid 30s), a reference from your old babysitter is not very promising.

This poses an immediate risk to your job

Who would you like us to contact in case of an emergency? One brilliant temp clearly listens in school. His answer... 911.

Thank god he told me, I thought it was 991!

Like Me Not

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION ALERT!

In the words of the great Bill Cosby, "advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on," so here I am looking for a good time.

You can now "like" Hire Me Not on Facebook (yup that's even a link!) If you read and enjoy the blog, show me some love huh? I clearly don't get much at work so I'm reaching out to you!

We can't autocorrect you

Okay I've already mentioned the people that answer their phones in the interviews (just writing that sentence makes me want to punch myself in the face), but lets talk about texting now.

I can see you hiding your phone under the table, you're not sneaky. Is your text so important that it can't wait until after our interview? Actually hold on lets back up... why did you even bring your phone inside? That shit stays in your car. No car? In your pocket. There's nothing I hate more then telling someone to put their phone away.

This is probably one of the most disturbing stories I have encountered myself, I debated even writing this story for the sole reason that I don't want to relive it.... but here is goes.

Are we all up-to-date on what "sexting" is? Okay, good. Now one gentleman was one of the obnoxious fools texting during the interview. I could see him constantly looking down and smirking at every text, and then I could hear the little keypad of him texting back. What I did not realize at the time however is this gentleman was not texting, he was sexting. How do I know, you ask? Good question... as we end the interview and stand to shake hands, I could not help myself from looking down because something had appeared that was not there when the interview began. He had the most outrageous boner, stiffy, woody, whatever you want to call it, staring me in the face. What's worse? The man looks down, sees what he's created, makes a face like he is proud of himself... and then winks at me. Well, maybe that's something to put on your resume: ability to rise to any occasion.

Not a puppet.

Someone left a single sock in our lobby today. That is all.

Not ready for this jelly

Yes, there are two balls between your legs. I can only imagine the... criss cross action going on in there. Some appropriate times to "adjust,": on your couch, in your car (alone preferably), maybe the bathroom? But PLEASE, do not stand in front of me, adjust your junk, then reach for a handshake. Thanks!

Like uncle like nephew

POP QUIZ TIME- This is a two parter you lucky bastards you!

Two men, an uncle and a nephew live together. The nephew comes in and fills out an application with his uncle, however since the nephew has no cell phone the uncle instructs his nephew to leave his cell number.

PART ONE:
You get a phone call from your nephews employer but your nephew is not home.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Jot down a note for him to return our call.
B: Try and memorize the message and number to have him call back.
C: Tell me to "fuck off dude" (yes, dude included),that you HAVE a job and your nephews problems are not yours...click.

Okay I guess I gave that one to you guys - freebie! Anytime the word "fuck" appears in one of the answers - safe bet that that's the incorrect answer, if you disagree then I wish you all the best in your future test taking. While I don't agree with B either, meh... kudos to you for such a great memory (I hope)! But listen up dude who so politely graced me with C- the uncle of the year award goes to... anyone else! Maybe try again next year once  you pull that nine iron out of your sand wedge!

PART TWO:
You realize your employer called and your uncle did not take the message.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Call back, and ask what I called for.
B: Call back, apologize for your uncles behavior, explain that the rudeness gene does not run in the family and ask what I called for.
C: Tell me it's my own damn fault for trying to leave a message with his uncle in the first place and politely (insert sarcasm here) ask, "well, what the fuck did you need?"

I am not a telemarketer, I did not buy your uncles telephone number, I did not find it on a list, you gave it to me dumbass! Remember when you filled out that application? Not sure what golf club you're using but it clearly came from your uncles set and I would suggest pulling yours out too.

If it quacks like a pig

If you do not show up to work and do not call to let me know, please do not be surprised when I fire your ass. Okay for all of you getting huffy - of course it is circumstantial and if you can't find your teddybear or chip a nail or fall into a hole, we'll give you a bye. But to not expect to be let go and then have the audacity to yell at me... well, it's kind of an unfair battle because well ma'am - I'm at work.

So here's to you miss devil woman gypsy who calls ME a name when you are the one that can't show up to work... thank you. Thank you for reminding me that even when I'm telling people that American children obviously can't locate the US on a map not because they're undereducated but because they simply don't have access to maps- that myself and '07 Miss Carolina will always be smarter than you.

I won't judge you if you don't get the reference. Honestly who watches Miss Teen USA... except me:

Caught you dirt handed

I know, me too. The dirtiness of my hands is directly related to how much my face itches. So I'm going to assume you coming in here with your face covered in dirt means you fell in a dirt pile before walking in here which clearly made your face itch.

We call you blue mouth

Fact: I'm a bit crazy. There are many people that I'm sure would be more than happy to attest to that... but maybe sometimes it's for the best. I by no means expect everyone to follow my neurosis, but seriously there are some things I know I'm crazy about for a good reason!

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is anything that changes the color of my mouth. Lollypops, Powerade, freeze-pops - my craziness has led me to lead a life missing some of the best flavors out there.

Now if you want to eat that blue raspberry lollypop, please, GO FOR IT! In fact, I'm jealous! However I would next time suggest waiting until AFTER your interview.

Toight like a toiger

I have to talk to you about spandex for just one moment. Now I'm a culprit, I love me a good pair of spandex - under a dress, with a long t-shirt, with a great pair of heals, I do it ALL! That being said, there are types of spandex wearers that I just will.not.allow in my office. Let me please educate:

A. If your spandex look like a straight jacket for your legs - you're doing it wrong.
B. If your spandex represent any form of animal, no matter how much you love cheetahs - you're doing it wrong.
C. If your spandex turn what would have just been a simple "muffin top" into me thinking your back is pregnant - you're doing it wrong.
D. If you have a penis - I'm all for equal rights, but sir... you do know that most spandex are see-through right?

Nappy Time

If you fall asleep while filling out the application then I have the PERFECT job for you! If you stand up, walk out our door, close the door behind you - congratulations you found it!

Crappy hour

To me growing up and graduating college meant settling down (a bit) and usually being way too tired for happy hour. To you it meant go for happy hour and then showing up to your interview. Ironic that I'm the one interviewing you? I think not.

I assume you're a douche

You know what happens when you assume? You make me end up using stupid cliches like this one!

So when you assume that I don't know what it means when you ask me if my pearl necklace is real and then giggle under your breathe... I'M going to assume you still live at home with mommy, your teddy and your blankie and your favorite pastime is Dora the Explorer and sucking on your thumb... OH, and you're not going to get the job!

FINISH HIM

ADVISE ALERT: When you sit down for an interview and hand over a resume, the very first thing interviewers are trained to notice is gaps in work history. So my advise to you, keep busy, or at least have a decent excuse for the time off - aka: school, under the table work, children etc, etc...

A younger gentleman comes into our office with a fairly large gap in his work history. When I ask him what he had been doing during that time his response was, "becoming a video game expert."

I hope it was Pokemon Snap...

Offense taken.

Coming in and saying, "I don't really want to work for your company but I'm getting desperate" is a sure way to land the job.

When is TMI really TM?

People share the most ridiculous information with us, I'm not sure when HR became the new therapy session but I think I know more than therapists and hair dressers combined.

Now I'm not crazy about wild nail colors, but always like when people can pull it off. So I decided to try out this bright teal color...

Woman in an interview grabs my hand, "oh that used to be my favorite color, it's the color of my ex-husbands eyes... until he beat me."

Ultimate TMI.

Smell ya later

After many crazy stories, creepy people, and jokes at other peoples expense... I am taking a much needed vacation. I'll be back next Monday with more Hire Me Not Tales!

He is not an idiot-savant at all. He is the real thing, he is an idiot-idiot.

Sir, every time you say "dude" or "bra" in this interview I'm subtracting it from your already low IQ.

Please review my resume for consideration?

It's pretty amazing how the wrong punctuation and spelling can change an extremely well thought out cover letter into an email that we pass around the office to laugh at and then it ends up hanging out with the other idiots in the trash can.

Now if you are a grammar nazi, or just have a brain, you'll have noticed that my grammar in this blog is FAR from perfect. The difference is, I'm not looking to get a job out of it. If you don't like my grammar... blow me (is that grammatically correct enough for you?). However, what I have to say to the resume submitters - a mistake or two in your cover letter MATTERS big time! So just like they told you in elementary school: proofread, proofread and then proofread again!!!!!

Here are some resume submission examples that I got a kick out of and saved over the past couple weeks:

• I am looking for a "job." - Are you looking for a job, or does "job" stand for something?
• I am looking for any opportunity on 3rd shit. - Isn't that a little biased against shit one and shit two?
• I am looking for a job within XYZ County (privacy, duh), I need to stay local because I use pubic transportation - Do you rely on the mustache ride?
• I am a very fat typer - I don't discriminate, but are you a fast typer too?
• You will not be disappointed in me, I am butter then the other candidates. - I prefer margarine.. sorry. 
• I excel in courting, numbers, and anything math related - Courting? Are you trying to woo me?
• Thank you for your consideration? - Are you not sure about thanking me yet?

So again remember, proofread?

Don't forget to wash behind your ears

The clothing I have had in my closet the longest are those timeless pieces - my LBD, nice house sweater, slippers (that could probably be replaced now), items that either are never going to go out of style OR no one will see them in public to KNOW they're going out of style.

Now this goes mostly for gentlemen (if you want to call them that) I've met, but ladies too, that t-shirt with holes and armpit stains - not the best choice for your interview.

Man calls our office to see what hours we're open for walk ins, when I tell him it's over in 45 minutes he says "okay I'll clean up and be right over."

15 minutes later a man walks in. Now I would feel rude calling this guy filthy afraid of actually offending the filthy people.... this guy was absolutely, completely, utterly repulsive. His t-shirt was the leader of the pack of armpit stains- the salvation army would throw this guys shirt away, a homeless man would be embarrassed to wear this shirt, someone looking for a cleaning rag would think twice before using this shirt...

Me: "Wow, that was fast!"
Man: "I've mastered the 10 minute shower." - Doesn't smell like it buddy. 

You don't have to prove that you can touch your toes... I believe you.

Our lobby is not a good place to do your daily stretches. Quit bending over and sit your ass down in your chair.

We use Windex

If you walk into our glass door even though it's covered in signs thinking it was open - I'm going to point and laugh at you with zero sympathy.

Today's letter is: Joint.

Some ham-sammied conversations are the best, I encourage drunk-dials/high-dials (is that even a thing?) always - especially if you sound like something straight out of Sesamea Street (see below), but NOT AT WORK IDIOTS:

Why do I bring this up you ask? Well, it's because you would not BELIEVE the amount of phone calls we get that just do-not-make-sense, the person calling is clearly drunk or on something and it just leads to the weirdest conversations. People rambling on about god knows what and mumbling so bad that they sound like they came straight from the set of Blow.

Man: "Wazzzupppppp" Sir, I'm pretty sure that joke is... well just not funny anymore.
Me: "Are you calling for work?"
Man: "Yes I am, and I am the bomb diggity so you should hire me." If you were born 30 years before the 90s, "bomb-diggity" should not be in your vocabulary.
Me: "First you will need to apply."
Man: "Apply...apply... apply, to apply. What is in a name? Apply..." Umm, okay?
The man mumbles something, starts having a full on sneezing attack, screams "I HAVE A SHARP SWORD" and hangs up the phone.

All I ask, please, if you are on your way to the moon- DO pass go and go straight to bed: don't call me.

Edward Turkey Hands

What were you thankful for last Thanksgiving? I was thankful for good family, good friends, and of course... good beer. Apparently an employee and I were on the same page:


Three call outs: $150, Forgetting lunch and ordering chinese food: $15, 3 Monster drinks to keep me awake: $7 , Employee walking in with a turkey hat and wings screaming GOBBLE GOBBLE at the top of his lungs with a Miller Highlife 40 taped to his hand... priceless.

Do you want some formula with that whine?

If you're old enough to work, then you're old enough to not have to have mommy call out of work for you. Period.

Only time it's acceptable to have mama bear call us for you, is if she is holding you so close that it makes for a good office joke:

"I'm calling out for my little shnookums because my sweetie has a runny nose and he wont wash his hands enough on his own."

Maybe it's time to change the background picture of your cell phone from your mom to... anything else, let go of her skirt hem, grow a pair and CALL ME YOURSELF TO PATHETIC KITTEN!

Lazyodic

Laziness comes in many forms, in fact some of the greatest inventions are inspired by laziness - take sliced bread for example! But not everyone can translate their lazytarian attitudes into genius.

Heres one instance of a lazy sloth from yesterday: If you have a question about the application and sit at your desk in the lobby yelling "hello! excuse me! hello!" over and over until we hear you and come out to find out what's wrong instead of you walking to the office like we instruct you to - I'm going to ignore you. No pat on the back or Nobel Prize for you.

Drugs are bad mmmkay?

Seriously, drugs are bad. Now since starting here I have many times seen something that crosses the line of disgusting and verges into the line of kissing your grandmother and slipping her the tongue. I know I can't make people stop but it's just beyond NASTY and what I CAN do is embarrass anyone who does do this publicly.

If you have an extra long pinky nail and all your other nails are clipped... I know what that means. I've seen the movies, I've heard the stories,  I and everyone else have deciphered your code you damn fool! It's disgusting and all you're doing is actually publicizing your drug habit! Aren't you embarrassed to walk around with a honking sign on your pinky that says "I do drugs!"?

Clip your nails kid... oh yeah, and don't do drugs.

Inter"view"course

Lucky you, I've got another helpful hint: Calling our office and saying "I hooked up with you last week" does NOT translate to me as "I met with you for an interview last week."

... It just makes me frantically backtrack my alcohol intake last week.

Gaga the Clown

To the gentleman who applied with more colorful makeup then a circus clown - even Lady Gaga takes a day off, I think today should have been your day.

Hit the nail on the head

Art can be expressed in many ways, but the tricky question is where do you place that art? Your living room, your bedroom, even bodies are used as canvasses, but there's one place art should just stay the fuck out of it- your nails!!

Ladies (and a handful of men we've met here), there's a fine line between tasteful manicures and Rainbow Bright talons.

When your finger nails look like their going to intimidate Medusa's hair, I think it's time to break out the clippers.

Like word dawg

We have a lot of wicked stupid slang, and to be honest I'm a habitual user of most of it. However there's one bit of slang that just makes me want to round house kick whoever uses it in the mouth for being the armpit of Webster, that word is: legit. Now does anyone actually know the real definition of this word? Don't fear, I'm here to educate:

le·git 

Adjective/liˈjit/

1. Legitimate; legal; conforming to the rules.

2. (of a person) Not engaging in illegal activity or attempting to deceive; honest.

The word legit I've seen/heard used in some ass-backwards nitwitty ways but the most idiotic gem of the word came in the form of an email this morning for someone sending me their resume:

"Legit, I am really legitimately interested in this job."

First of all- Seriously, in your cover letter?! Secondly - idiot.

McCavity

Welcome to my office man with two teeth and hands covered in blood! You MUST be a skilled oral surgeon!

I was like... shoot.

Speaking of identity theft (if you read the previous post), who's teaching kids about identity theft these days? Is it taught in school, by your parents, the dope-dealer on the side of the road? No. The only ones who seem to be educating are commercials these days, but how else do you learn right?!

WARNING- This could be you:

Why could this be you, you ask? People are way to careless with their personal information! When you call into our office, we look up our employees files with their social security number (this is not required by the way, just efficient. If someone doesn't want to it is not a problem).

However, here's the scary part: sometimes people will call us who haven't applied before but call looking for work. Not knowing that they haven't applied before we ask for their social and the majority of the time THEY GIVE IT TO US! They don't even BOTHER to ask why we're asking, they just hand it over like candy. We have to ask if they've applied before for them to realize that was a bad idea! When they say "no," I usually give them a little talk (more of a what the fucktardia are you thinking?) and a slap on the wrist that they should not give out their private information to ANYONE and let them go on their lives.

... If they continue, well then you can find me on a perma-vacation somewhere tropical on someone else's dime, my tan thanks you.

I can Read with my Eyes Shut

In an interview we ask you all about your skills. Old skills, new skills, red skills, blue fish. We understand that everyone  (seriously, stop lying to yourself... you did it too) exaggerates in their interviews. In fact, we appreciate it - good liars usually mean good workers... or it seems like they are! But exaggerating does not mean lying (which happens more often then not), so when you come in here with honesty I can tell you - it's GREATLY appreciated.

A woman comes in looking for an office sort of position and I ask if she'd be interested in a retail type position which involves handling cash. Her response:

"Oh man, I'm terrible with money. In fact, my credit score would probably benefit from identity theft at this point."

Thank you for the laugh... now go find a financial advisor, NOW!

Electric Slide

Sometimes instructions don't need to be followed, but it's at your own risk. For example, those washing labels inside your wool clothing. "Hand wash. Lay flat to dry." My thoughts - "you wash your own frickin' clothes by hand sucker, I have a machine!" However, when my new sweater can fit a toddler - I'm not going to cry to the company needing a new sweater... my ass didn't follow directions!

There are other instructions however that should be followed if for no other reason then... there is no other option. We have a sliding door to get into our office, and right on the door is a BIG sign that says "Door Slides - Please Slide This Way ---->" - yes, the arrow is included.

So here's what I have to say to you gentleman who we watched ferociously try to pull the door open and then angrily calls us and screams that our door is locked: that was your first test.

Less is MUCH more

POP QUIZ TIME- Multiple Choice Style!

You come in for an interview and you left your previous position because you didn't get along with your boss.
Question: The interviewer asks you, "So why did you leave your last job?" your response should be:
A- You say "my boss and I did not see eye-to-eye" and leave it at that.
B- You turn it around and say "my boss and I didn't get along and I felt I could be more productive in a harmonious work atmosphere."
C- You say "my old boss was a jackass and is terminally ill and I hope he dies."

Those of you who answer A and B- thank you. Guy who came in a said "C" - go to hell.

Food Fight

Part of my everyday work routine is sitting at my desk casually eavesdropping on the people sitting in the lobby filling out applications... lots of good material.

We often here singing, babies crying, sweet turtledoves cooing, but WAY too often we here fighting. Now this one conversation was a normal bicker between lovers over the ever-so-common fight: food. Guys hungry, girls asking him to wait until after the interview, guy whines that he can't "hold it" anymore, girl tells him he's pathetic, guy throws a c-bomb (don't know what that is? It's similar to the turtle shell in MarioKart... google it), girl starts getting a bit louder "what did you say to me?"... this is when I decide to interject and get up, blood is really hard to clean out of carpet.

Now this is not the best part of this dynamic-duo. This guy had a real technique, a real flare for douchbaggery, he had mastered the art of asstardism. While his girlfriend is in her interview he comes to me and asks "do you mind if I get a pizza delivered here? I need to piss off my girl."

I don't know, it depends... can I have a slice?

Is this chicken, or is this fish?

I think we've heard it all as far as reasons that employees call out go but people, lets get our facts straight! One woman who's job entails dealing with soy milk calls into our office to let us know she's not going in. When we ask her why:

"I'm calling out because I don't like handling products that come from animals."

.... okay, Jessica Simpson. For anyone that doesn't get that reference:

I drink because I work, and I work so that I can drink

You can generally place our employees in 3 different categories:
1. There are the employees we love, they brighten your day with their happiness to work and it's a pleasure to work with them.
2. There are the average keep-to-themselves employees, I'd say those are my favorite - you do you, I do me, we live happily ever after apart!
3. Then there are the employees that send me through the roof, Willy Wonka Glass Elevator style!

On that note, here's a nice little story for you! Once upon a time it was roughly 12:30 in the afternoon on a beautiful Monday and my co-worker was lucky enough to be on vacation... or stay-cation in this case. She was out to lunch that afternoon when she notices an employee who is the LEADER of category #3 - a pest is an understatement, lets call this woman Dory.

Now according to my co-worker, Dory was not going for an afternoon stroll, she was going for an afternoon stumble! She was drunker then drunk, ham sandwiched if you will, she should have been arrested for a WUI- Walking Under the Influence. She wasn't out there trying to hide her magoogled behavior, she was brown paper bag handy! What's the logical thing for her to do in this instance you ask? OF COURSE, call her employer!

The phone conversation Dory and I had was one of those "you had be there" conversations that don't translate well after writing, but needless to say our conversation didn't get very far. It was a cluster-fuck of massive amounts of slurring, her randomly at points screaming "two, two, two, two..." for what reason I have NO idea, her continuously asking someone to turn the music down.... when there was no noise in the background, the incredible awkwardness of her blatantly hitting on me (yes, my ears DID throw up), and just massive amounts of pure drunken comedy.

The next day Dory shows up at our office with no recollection of the hilarity that ensued just 24 hours before, and claimed someone hit her on her bicycle.... I'm guessing it was the invisible man that always shows up when you've had too much to drink.

Seriously, I feel like I shouldn't even write the moral of this story. But because we get these calls all the time and this is just one of the many, I will. Please when you are cocked off your ass-  call your employer... if you're not looking to keep your job.

PAYdream Believer

Welcome to your first Friday! Friday is a fun day because Friday is the oh-so-sweet pay day! Everyone coming in to pick up their checks makes the questions endless, repetitive, and extremely entertaining.

New Employee: "Do you pay in cash?"
Me: No, we only pay in Trident Layers, "No sir, this is a business. That is why you filled out your W-4."
New Employee: "Then how do I make this check turn into money?"

If you stick it in the pot at the end of the rainbow the leprechaun does his magic and BOOM, gold coins!

You can throw a ninja star, but can you make an Excel spreadsheet?

I have lots of hobbies! Fishing, hiking, writing, crack (if you took that seriously, then I also like hookers and blow)... these are things I do alone, I do with my friends, who cares. That being said, my fishing and snorting abilities have nothing to do with my work, work ethic or experience.

So this is not a note to the resume builders, but to the teachers... those claiming to educate but are really the armpit of the resume society. You do not need a "hobbies" section on your resume. Please don't teach people they do, it wastes valuable space that they could be putting RELEVANT information. I'm sure they're a great, fun person, but in this instance- I.Don't.Care.

Here's just a small list of the hobbies that have been listed on multiple resumes (I swear, I can't make this shit up):
- Treasure Hunting
- Roller Derby
- Crazy Hippy Dancing
- Hacky Sack with my Friends
- Singing songs from Musicals
- Metal Detector Adventurer
- Masturbating... okay that wasn't really on a resume, but I bet someone's been tempted.

There are SO many more but this is a collection of my favorites. So please take note, no more "hobbies" section okay... unless it's "money giver" and in that case - HIRED.

Cockles and Mussels

I used to think I was the only one who called businesses to practice my Irish accent, apparently people looking for work had the same idea.

Possibly a collectible

A woman (note: this was not a young girl) came in with a purse that said, "OCD: Obsessive Cullen Disorder!" Do I point and laugh or grab it and run?

Do you kiss your mother with that outfit?

Did everyone see on the news the woman who was kicked out of Walmart for wearing a bathing suit? Yes? Okay good. No? Quick suckling the teet and please view:

Okay now that, that's over with, you now have a good idea of how people dress coming into our office.

Some however are on the right track and have a bit more common sense, but even then- most COMPLETELY miss the mark. One young lady came into our office inquiring about an office position. She looked like she knew what was up, nice suit jacket, some classy slacks, good personality, I thought I hit the jackpot! We get through the entire interview, we stand to shake hands and I look down and covering her feet are a pair of atrocious furballs. Yes, purple fuzzy slippers.

Do you think she realized she was forgetting something when she left the house...?

Does Pikachu Count?

What is my spirit animal you ask, guy applying with a pony tail down to your knees? My spirit animal is the kind that eats people who talk about spirit animals for breakfast.

Cinderella was that you?

People treat our office like the local dump. They leave their trash everywhere! We find it tucked into chair cushions, gum under chairs, paper shreds on the floor, the list goes on. Every once in a while people forget more important things in our office, we've come across cell phones, ipods, wallets, but they all come back for that stuff (what you didn't want to come back for that gum you saved under the chair?).

Recently however, someone left a real treat for us (get your mind out of the gutter). After a hectic afternoon of interviews once everyone had gone, what do we find sitting right there in the lobby? A pair of sneakers! What, were you airing out your feet before the interview? Were they hurting your feet? Did they not match your outfit? AND DID YOU WALK OUT BAREFOOT?! Best part of all, they're still here.

Size 11, mens, Air Jordans if anyone needs a pair....

Maybe baby?

There's a place downtown, where the freaks all come around... and it's called my office.

Me: "Are you comfortable taking a drug screen?"

Lady Screening: "Well, is birth control going to show up?"

If you don't know, I'm glad you're taking it.

Santa Claus is coming to... my office?

I'm sure you have a beautiful voice... well, I'm sure your parents told you, you had a beautiful voice. But here's a hint: unless you have a microphone in your hands, are standing on a stage, or are in your car, that song that's stuck in your head should stay stuck in ONLY your head. Singing out loud is a common practice for applicants in our lobby, but about once a year a gentleman comes in and takes the cake from all the American Idol Wannabes:

If you are filling out an application with your headphones in and singing along (happens): shut the fuck up.

If you are waiting in our lobby and singing a little tune with your buddies (happens often): seriously shut the fuck up.

If you are singing Jingle Bells in August DURING our interview: GET THE FUCK OUT!

Thanks :)

Illegally Blonde

Okay I know Elle Woods did it (Legally Blonde reference for anyone with a penis or living under a rock), and it seems like a good idea when you're walking around Staples looking at all your options. BUT PEOPLE: Your resume should not be on scented paper, should not be on cloud paper, should not have glitter falling off of it making me look like the Fairy Job Mother! Simple white paper is fine. If you want to go the extra mile there's this AMAZING thing thats actually made specifically for resumes, it's called resume paper!

Too hott for pot

I don't care how hott you are, how fast you can bat your eye lashes, or how deep your voice is, "no sir, I will not take that drug screen for you."

The truth of the tooth

Many of you have heard this story, as it happened in my very first few weeks with my company and I've shared it with just about anyone that will listen. For those of you who haven't, you're in for a treat.

A gentleman (or something) walks into my office covered in pure filth looking like a caveman right out of a Geico commercial. He's holding his hands out to his sides as if he knows he's so grimy that he doesn't even want to touch himself, afraid of what diseases he might catch. However, surprisingly the first thing you notice about this man is not his filth, but it's his mouth. His teeth, or what is left of them, are there rotting right in front of me, so brown that I think maybe he's so dirty because he was eating a pile of dirt right before seeing me.

Man: "I'm looking for a job because I really need dental insurance."
Me: Well that's obvious: "Please, take a seat."

He leans over my desk as he's sitting down and what happens next?! His TOOTH falls right out and lands right in front of him! I don't mean a piece of his tooth, I mean root and all. Just a dead decaying tooth laying right there on my desk!

He looks at me in what looked like painful shock, scoops up the tooth and slides it in his pocket (yeah you better save that buddy), takes my Clorox wipes, gives my desk a good once over and quietly walks out of my office.

A day in the life of HR... ahhh so sweet.

ET phone girlfriend

Just a few days ago a man comes into our office for an interview. I'm done judging people by the cleanliness of their hands or clothes because in general, it's not good. So by personality standards, I was excited to sit down with this guy and hear what he had to say!

We are full into the interview, he has me laughing while still remaining fairly professional and courteous, all in all, it's going very well. THEN... his phone rings, not just just that but I kid you not his ringtone was "Bootylicious." Gross. He pulls his phone out of his front shirt pocket, checks to see whos calling and says "well she's going to have to wait." Good boy, I mean I would have preffered you leave your phone in the car, or just silence it and continue, but nobodies perfect right? So we begin our interview again and not more then 30 seconds later his phone rings once again. Does he silence it this time? No. He sticks his pointer finger right in my face and says "I'm going to have to answer this."

Him: "Hello?"
Lady (I'm presuming is his girlfriend): "Hi honey, hows the interview going?"
Him: "Well it's not over yet!"
Lady: "Well is it looking good so far?"
Him: "Yeah it's looking really good, I think this lady (the lady being me) really likes me." I'd say "liked" at this point... don't you think this could have waited you insensitive time wasting douchebag. He then continues to talk to her for about 5 minutes about every single thing word-for-word we'd talked about in the interview... a phonecall that easily could have happened after our interview seeing as we weren't even close to done. Well, let me rephrase that, we wouldn't have been close to done.

He hangs up the phone and at this point I stand up, reach to shake his hand, and thank him for coming in. He replies, "So, did I get the job?"

Cheers!

Here's to you guy who just walks in to apply with shorts that could qualify as a speedo, here's to you.

Scary vs. Douchey

I know those years of preparing for interviews everyone has told you that the scariest question is "what is your biggest flaw," and I would agree that it's a tough question.... but when you say "I can be too much of a perfectionist"... I translate that too " I am a pretentious douche."... just a heads up.

If you clap real loud Tinker Bell will come back

It's not all filth, stupidity and ignorance that walks in my office... that's only the majority. Sometimes they bring their kids in (which if you know me that doesn't make the situation any better) and little glimpses of hope that the future generation will be better then this one shine through.

Right around the time that the big royal wedding took place and Osama Bin Laden was killed an adorable little boy walks in and says:

"I don't mind that it's raining today because this week was sponsored by Disney: the bad guy died, the princess married her prince, and we're all going to live happily ever after!"


Adorable, right? Just give it 10 years kid.

Drugs not hugs

Many times we have to preform drug screens before people can get to work. People pass, people fail, it's a way of life... but the real gems are the ones who lie about it. I'm not dumb - yes I might be wearing this suite to work, and I might talk to you like I have a stick up my ass, but most of it is just an act... I went to college,  I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU ! The best lie I've heard in some time was:

"my roommates girlfriend had been making pot brownies and i was eating them all week with icecream and had no idea there was pot in them!"


Thats F-Awesome, maybe next time jackass. 

Potty talk

Your time in the bathroom is sacred, a time for yourself, a time to ponder, a time to... well...

My reason for bringing this up is I don't want you to lose out on that precious time, nor do I want to be part of it. So what I ask of you, no beg of you is, please wait until after you're done in the porcelain kingdom to call me for one simple reason... I CAN HEAR YOU! I don't want to hear that waterfall, I don't want to hear that flush, and I don't want to hear anything else that I consider myself too much of a lady to mention yet you feel it's necessary and appropriate to call me during this moment. And a message for those of you who don't listen to my advise, if I don't hear you washing your hands... I'm probably going to have to give you an elbow bump next time you come into my office, and possibly call you out on your unsanitary behavior.

Fear of Swine Flu causing Bumping pandemic

How much can you really tell about someone just by their handshake? Maybe it's not the ingredient to finding bad guys and solving crime, but this is your only chance to give your first impression. Let me tell you guys, THIS IS A BIG MOMENT (cue Rocky music)! Being a female: men (and some women), please don't crush my fingers... I know you're strong and tough. That being said, if your handshake feels like i'm shaking a raw chicken breast- you're out. There is a science to a good handshake and I truly believe that everyone should learn it, love it, live it.

However believe it our not there's something WORSE then a bad handshake, there is a new epidemic taking over our country and I just DO NOT APPROVE! It is called the "elbow bump," also referred to as the "hippy handshake" and once I even heard it called "bow-shakin'," and it is out of control! It's when instead of shaking someone's hands, to prevent passing germs you gently bump elbows... I know right? It's freakin' weird!

After a little research I learned that this began in doctors offices after everyone peed their pants over the Swine Flu. Gems = gross. Solution? Hand sanitizer! Next time someone tries to elbow bump me I'm probably going to pull some WWE stunt and boot you right out the door. Bump Bye!

Not everyone wins their spelling bee

Okay, I am not saying I have never asked a stupid question. In fact, well, I wont go into detail... but I ask many questions that do not make me the brightest bulb. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to point my finger and laugh at you too.

Co-worker: "Sir, to apply with our company you will have to bring two forms of I.D."

Caller: Scribbling in the background taking notes, "Um, how do you spell I.D?"

What do you call that orange fruit again? It's at the tip of my tongue...

Have some downtime before interviewing?

Waiting is a pain in the ass - no one likes it, we all tolerate it. When I know I'm going to be waiting, I know I have a few options: suck it up like an adult and shut the F up and wait, or bring something to do while waiting. It's not hard to come up with appropriate things to do while waiting, some suggestions: books, magazines (I'd keep those nudey magazine day subscriptions at home however), crossword puzzles, knitting supplies, rubik's cube, your options are pretty much endless.

But leave it to the interviewees to amaze us once again! One woman took her endless options to the extreme- while I was impressed with her time management skills knowing that "well heres a few minutes to do something I need to get done," we were all surprised, no shocked to see her whip out a handy dandy pair of nail clippers and clip away right there in our lobby!

HELPFUL HINT: This is not a common practice, nor suggested... dumbass.

Insulting aka the new flattery

POP QUIZ TIME- Multiple Choice Style!

Question: You are looking for work, I am offering work. Do you:
A: Call in and be polite and courteous.
B: Call and demand work in your loudest and sternest voice.
C: Call and make fun of the person on the receiving end.

Judging from the fact that you're reading this, my guess is you chose A (if not, please leave). However you may be surprised to find that A is not the common phone call here in the office! Oh, you want examples? How about one from the end of the day yesterday to get you started, today the correct answer is C!

Someone calls in bright and early and my co-worker was lucky enough to grab the phone call! Now my co-worker has one of those unisex names we all love such as Alex, Sam, Chris etc... This person calling in begins the phone call as he should, politely inquiring about work, taking notes and being respectful. When he asks for my co-workers name he abruptly shouts out "OH MAN, Your parents wanted a boy, huh?" laughs hysterically, then hangs up the phone!

This is just one example of the clearly very nice and respectful phone calls we get on a daily basis. Thank you sir for making my first post, rude phone calls to be continued!

To blog or not to blog

Ever had one of those jaw on the floor, eyes pop out of your head, "did they really just say that" moments? Because let me tell you, I have them every-single-flippin-day. Working in Human Resources you see it all, you see the Great Bambinos and you see the Buckners... but I can assure you, they keep you on your toes. I have been sharing these "diamond-in-the-rough" moments with my friends since first starting my job but it's just not fair to keep these treasures to a select few!

For privacy of those who apply to our company, my co-workers, and myself, I shall be keeping this anonymous. Enjoy :)